42 Things Tom Brady Is Guaranteed To Say As A Fox Sports Analyst

In case you missed it yesterday, Fox Sports signed Tom Brady to a $375 million deal – more money than he’s earned in salary in his entire playing career – to be their leading color commentator for NFL games when he retires, oh, let’s call it 2047. Why Fox chose to pay Brady so much money isn’t that hard to discern. He’s the most famous football player in history, and Fox wants one type of brand to occupy the booth for both the inner prestige and because Joe Buck and Troy Aikman left that network to ply their trades at ESPN.

Unlike Tony Romo, Brady won’t be entertaining in the pit. Or insightful. Or excited. Or even alive, really. What he WILL be is meticulous about retaining his candor, which of course is what we all love about someone being paid to give us a candid look at the sport. Tom Brady is a strategically boring man, always drawing inspiration from the brainwashed. He can’t even make his own son kiss on the mouth so convincingly. When he takes over the Fox booth alongside play-by-play man Kevin Burkhardt, he’ll almost certainly prove as useless a commentator as Joe Montana turned out to be (Montana joined NBC as a guy from studio and lasted nine Chevy Chase-esque weeks before quitting).

I still believe, to my great detriment, that there is an interesting person somewhere inside Brady. But if such a person really exists in his plasticine melon, he never lets him out, no matter how much he pays. It’s not worth his time, and he thinks you little people better be stupid anyway.

So with that in mind, let me prep you for Brady’s rise into the realm of colored guys by mapping out, to the exact word, 42 things he’ll say while on the air. Let’s start.

— (Reading a cue card) “I am excited for this one.

— “Gisele and the boys are playing at home in our private water park, but I’ll tell you what: there’s no place I’d rather be right now than Green Bay on a Sunday afternoon. ‘october.”

— “What a lot of people don’t know about Roger Goodell is that he’s a really funny guy.”

– “Wow.”

— “You hate to say that the turnover was deflating, or at least, I I hate to say it…”

— “The receiver took the wrong route.”

— “You can’t put that one on the quarterback, Kevin.”

– “The pass protection just wasn’t there.”

“Yes, it was a dirty trick. But I also think flexibility was a factor in Lamar Jackson’s injury.

— “So proud of Colts head coach Russell Wilson for leading the charge to make all bath products hypoallergenic. This is an issue that not only affects NFL players, but all of us.

— “For me, there was a lot of undervaluation of the position of ball carrier. You don’t win titles unless you have a James White type player there.

– (Sees a fan drinking a Bud Light Straw-Ber-Rita) “Not the flavor I would have chosen there.”

– “I know Gronk likes this flavor.”

— “That’s called a big throw.”

— “I love to play golf, Kevin, but not in January!”

“You know, I met Sean McVay once, and it’s a fantastic story. We went out to dinner one night at Capo in Santa Monica, and he ordered the crab torta. And he’s like, ‘Tom, I think I like a good dinner almost as much as I like football.’ I never I expected to hear that from him.

— “Zaydyn Corpp needs to be more patient to let these parts develop.”

“Gisele and I don’t really celebrate holidays at home. If you work hard enough to make every day special, you don’t really need it.

– (After a promo for “911: Fairbanks”) “Oh, I don’t like how cold it is up there.”

– “The clock may soon start to be a factor here.”

— (Five minutes later) “There’s still plenty of time left on the clock.”

— “My father always asks me, ‘Tom, what is this NFT thing? Are they part of the NF-L?’ And I tell him no, NFTs are something else entirely, and they have value not only in terms of money, but also in a much more meaningful way.

— “It was such an honor to have dinner with Mr. Kraft and his 18-year-old girlfriend last night at their home.”

“They could go here, Kevin, but they don’t. to have for.”

— “I’ve known Coach Belichick for a long time, and he always said to me, ‘This guy is a weapon.'”

“The rule of withdrawal?” … (light chuckle) … Yeah, I might know a little about that.

– (After an absolutely blatant pass interference call goes unreported) “Interesting choice on the part of the officials not to call that.”

– (Goes completely silent during a Donald Trump shot in the deluxe box during a Bucs game)

— (After a promo for a NASCAR race) “I love my NASCAR!”

— “Everyone wants to criticize Mike Vrabel for his management of the clock, but he told us at our meeting this week, ‘Tom, I will always do what is best for my players.’ I think we have to respect that.”

– “Well, you know, I grew up a Niners fan, and there’s really no such thing.”

– “The Lions are due to start a sixth-round pick at safety today, but I can think of another sixth-rounder that ended up doing well.”

“I’m glad the Texans decided to give Adam Gase another chance. the right guy knows Soccer.”

— “This is where hydration really starts to matter.”

– “Absolutely in the NFL’s efforts to promote justice, Kevin.”

— “I think players should be able to celebrate after making a good play, but…”

– (Photo of Peyton Manning in the stands) “Whoa, hey, I always have nightmares thinking about having to face this guy!” (This is a lie)

“Have you ever listened to a podcast, Kevin?” Of course, there seem to be a lot of them now.

– “What I love about John Elway is that he cares about everyone in this building.”

— “I love being on boats. Who doesn’t? »

— “I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with replay. You can’t like the calls against you, but you have to like when they don’t.

— “I actually own a lot of firearms and I won’t hesitate to use them.”

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